Monday, February 16, 2009

The Sneaky Ones

At this time I would like to write about the millions of unreliable people who lounge on their butts all day doing nothing and hoping things will "somehow work out." They live off the resources of others, exploit them, rob them of their money, and then pack up- never to be seen again. People like this exist all over. Granted, sometimes their plight isn't their fault, and sometimes their actions are only a method of survival in a cruel world. Other times, they are plain lazy and manipulative.

There is a woman from this group of people who has made the lives of my parents more agonizing than any person ever has. I will call her "The Fox," because while she was running her plot, she was sly enough that none of us realized it until it was complete.

My parents own a duplex in Clearfield. I would like to start by saying that she knew what she was doing from the beginning, everything she had planned became clear to us when it was over. The Fox had been evicted five times before moving into my parents duplex. Now, she knew no person in their right mind would allow her into their house with the background she had. So she employed the method of "piggybacking" her way into the house. The tenants renting the house before her were decent people, paid the rent on time, kept things in relative order, etc. Now, wife living there before had a brother who needed a place to crash with his girlfriend and her son. Of course she and her husband agreed, and my parents didn't know about it for a while. When they figured it out, they were assured they wouldn't be a trouble and the rent would keep coming. Well, without us being informed, the husband and wife moved out, leaving the boyfriend, The Fox, and her son. Then she kicked the boyfriend out, leaving herself and her son in our house. When we learned of this, my parents initially objected, but agreed eventually when she promised she could still fulfill the cost. See how she works? She got into the house innocently enough by making the transfer through other people. My parents mistake was neglecting to do a background check, since she had been living there for several months already.

Things went downhill from there. For over a year she played a little game, never paying on time, avoiding calls, "forgetting about" conferences with my parents, pretending not to be home.... but never doing anything totally wrong. The rent came- ALWAYS late- but it came, the mission to get another job to pay the rent put off JUST LONG ENOUGH that my parents were always frazzled, but never wronged. Every promise to change something was a lie, every action one only to throw them off for a few days longer.

The toll this took on my parents was enourmous. I have heard spiels from them time and time again, frustrated, annoyed, angry, hopeless, depressed. They fought more often, and were angry at the kids more often. They were losing money, little by little, and their nerves fraying. Finally, after her being out of work for over two months and owing over 2000 dollars in rent, they threatend to kick her out. Then she pled with them "Not during the Christmas season!" So they waited, in which time she still didn't go get a job. They made the decision to evict her after Christmas. But whats this? The eviction process can take a month or more? She actually pointed that out to them, as if smugly saying "your stuck with me for another month."

Finally, after legal fees, lots of heartache, and tons of anger. She was gone, but not really. Upon arriving at the house, they found the garage and basement full of junk she "was going to come back for later." THAT HOUSE WAS NOT HERS ANYMORE. It took her another week to remove her things.

That landed us in the position we were at two weeks ago. We looked at the house, it reeked of smoke and cat urine. She was not allowed to smoke, and never paid a pet deposit. Every room had visible dirt and garbage deposits on the floor, showing how long it had been since she vaccumed. The grime on the toilet and bathtub was disgusting. The stove was covered in pieces of singed food in such great number they accumulated in the pans under the burners inches deep, it was a wonder it even worked. The fridge had old onions and french fries stashed in the drawers. Holes covered the walls. One room must have been devoted to drinking soda, for it was littered with dozens of old bottles- some only half consumed, and spilled- and cigarrette packs. You could see urine stains in virtually every room of the house. There was cat poop all over the basement!!!! WHY WHY WHY could she not have even cleaned the house a little? How did she live with it like that? The place was absolutely trashed.

After many days of cleaning and painting, its almost ready to rent again. Me and Lars have dubbed it "The poo hole" because of the cat poo smell in the basement. The Fox has disappeared to who knows where, never to be seen again, leaving many hundreds worth of damages plus the still unpaid two months of rent.

The question is, why would she do this? She knew exactly what she was doing from the beginning, and could easily have improved her situation with a little effort. She never did get a new job, or even try for that matter. She obviously didn't clean her house at all during that those two months either. And now she has run away with my parents money, off to bother some other unwitting victim. How many other people has she done this to? Obviously at least five, because of her other evictions. How many other people around us are doing the same thing? Living off of other people's resources then disappear, leaving a trail of destruction behind them. Honestly, could she not fathom how wrong this is? If she had even had a job for the past two months she could have some credit to her name, but no, she sat at home watching tv, wasting her time and her life.

This was mostly venting. Forgive me, but I really don't like this woman at the moment. Can you not see though, she made my parents lives awful for the past year, and our whole family has been affected, and she doesn't even care.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I'm in a little hurry but I have to put this down. Does anyone else realize that as we get older and time goes on... that we just get more and more and more busy? I mean, I guess I kinda just stated the obvious, but let me reminisce back to, say, two years ago like you current honors english ninth graders. When I was in ninth grade, for some reason I thought I was busy. But I wasnt. I had no idea what busy meant. Truth be told, I probably still don't understand. For me personally, between my three AP and three CE classes, my ballroom dance class, and my job, i'm feeling pretty overwhelmed. But im almost positive that when i get to real college it will have a few more curveballs to throw at me.

Anyways back to my point, I'm coming upon the realization that no matter how long you wait, you just dont ever get less busy. There is this pattern i'm beginning to recognize... I say something like "oh my gosh I cant wait until this week is over, then I can take a breather." But lo and behold, the crazy week passes, and what do you know! I suddenly have five more things popping up to take the other stuff's place! There is no such thing anymore as "This is a hectic week, but if I just get through it, then everything will calm down." Nope.

Let me give an example... The last two weeks of second term were pure insanity in my world. Tests, projects, extra catch up homework, procrastinated NHS service hours, extra ballroom classes to catch up from christmas break, and much much more. The homework alone took me about five hours a day, one day it was for eight hours. I kept reassuring myself that "once second term ends this insanity will be over." In a way it was true, because that particular insanity WAS over. But then came the next week of school and I found out about new upcoming tests, meetings for various clubs, and babysitting assignments I had unknowingly been assigned. It was just a whole new insanity to replace my old one.

And it never stops, I cant say I don't like it because to be honest, in a way I like being busy. But its go go go all the time. And I keep waiting for a beloved break to come, but more stuff pops up. Is this a taste of the future? I realize now what adults mean when they say they are always on the go. And I havent even seen the worst of it. It's funny though, because although I feel like my schedual is closing in on me, Im finding that somehow i'm juggling it all. This confuses me because it only seems unmanageable if I look at it all at once. But if I just take one task at a time, complete it.... suddenly, and without a moment to spare, the tasks all fit into my day. Somehow. I'm still trying to figure that one out.

You ninth graders have a lot to look forward to :) Its crazy, but to be honest, its really really fun!

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

How to Live Well: For Dummies!

Two days ago I was at my grandparents house and came across this.



Just what I need! I was thinking I needed some class in my life. I thumbed through it. The entire book was mostly pictures with a few articles specifically on how to LIVE WELL. Thank heavens I stumbled upon this now and didn't live in the dark any longer. I have some serious work to do in order to rise to the classiness of those who have mastered the art of living well.

(forgive the quality of the pictures, I took them using a digital camera not a scanner)


Upon opening the first page, I got my first fashion lesson on how to live well. I was horrified to find just how alienated I was from those of high class in the fashion sense.







Apparently living well means dressing like Dracula. Who knew?














Another important thing I learned in the fashion department was that fur is everything. Especially if it costs $165,000. I bet 100 ferrets (or minks, whatever) had to die to make this coat. But to live well, sacrifices must be made.







Moving on. Another important feature of living well is to own a giant, puffy poodle that you can buy jewelry for. You wouldn't believe how many giant puffy poodles covered in jewelry were in this guide. I bet they spend more time doing their poodles hair than their own. And i'm guessing the standard conversation between a fashionable husband and wife goes like this:


wife: darling, whatever shall I do? You keep buying me all this jewelry and I simply don't know what to do with it.

husband: well we could give it to the dog.

wife: Oh what a splendid idea! Fifi has been looking rather drab lately. And aside from this jewelry you just gave me, we should go shopping so she can have a different necklace every day!

husband: That sounds marvelous. I have been wondering what to do with my spare time. Shopping for our dog would be an exquisite use of our time.





And here are the lucky dogs....








Here is how to vacation in high class style. Really.

Option numero uno: Go to a ski resort, ski for an hour, and relax on their beach chairs for the rest of the day. If you ski the whole day and get your money's worth, that means you are low class and cant afford to kick back. Besides, mocking those who have to ski the entire day is way more fun than actually skiing.



















Option numero dos: Stay in a high class Miami hotel. And getting a suite by the pool isn't good enough for you high class folks, no, you need a room IN the pool. Im hoping this is a joke.



















Option numero tres: Play golf atop elephants! Now THAT is livin well! As the picture says, you REALLY can do this!
























And for your stocking stuffers this year, santa has something extra special for those of you who want to live well.... (and yes, all these were really listed as stocking stuffers)








Blue cowboy boots! Vintage at that!














Your own mini security guard. Awwwww

















Why settle for plastic when you could have these? Diamond studded earphones!





Here are a few other tasteful tips I found as I was browsing




I believe this must be the food of the fine. I saw these on scattered pages throughout the book, which proves to me that they must be a common course among those who live well. I find it very satisfying that they closely resemble "pretty patties" off of spongebob. I knew that sponge would go far one day.

A tasteful decoration for the household of every classy family.

I think the message this girl is portraying is "my jewelry is so big that it's impossible for me to accomplish anything. I have many servants to accomplish things for me instead. I'm living well."



In conclusion, after looking through my guide to mastering the art of living well, I was filled with dismay as I realized that, as much as I wish, I just don't have what it takes to live well. I was wallowing in my pit of despair at having to live an unwell lifestyle until I found this picture and it gave me new hope. Maybe, just maybe, I DO have what it takes to live well.



Yes, that is a cell phone I have circled in red. I'm happy to report that at least this part of living well I have already mastered. My next step is to buy a poodle. I wish you all luck on your own quests to master the art of living well.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Banishing "too nice."

After reading a post by Pandagirl (http://mymemory62005.blogspot.com/) about our conciences, it got my memory reeling back to the events of last year. I'm a little afraid to say these things on here, out in public. After all, i'm exposing my prideful side. And my vulnerable side. Please remember as you read that we are all human, and wish to be the best we can be. That includes having many shortcomings, but also being able to recognize our good and bad.

I realize now that I was born with a hyper sensitive concience. From the time I was little, the knowlege of doing something even minorly wrong could be tear-jerking. Of course by my tenth grade year I had learned to control the tear factor very well, but the guilt I felt when I was in the wrong and the compassion I felt for people who had been wronged was still strong. Anything I could do to brighten someone's day or give them a lift, I would surely do. And without hesitation.

It lifted my own mood as well to see someone happy because of me. And I say this in all honesty, I really saw the good in every single person, so my compliments and kind words were not empty. At the same time however, though I hate to say this, I took pride in the fact that I was so nice to people. I knew everyone saw me as an ultra sweet girl who was always there when they needed help and always had a compliment for them to lift their mood. I basked in the shower of compliments I recieved in return for my actions, "You are so sweet, Mar!," " Wow you are so nice!", " You are probably the nicest person I know.", "You have no idea what you do to lift my mood every day!"

Then there was this one statement I kept getting along with the outpouring compliments, which I wasn't sure was really a good thing to have said. "You are TOO nice."

I took it as a compliment, but there was this nagging feeling that it wasn't completely intended as a good thing... I knew that being nice was simply who I was. I couldn't help it. Truly, I often did those nice things out of habit. But there was also a sudden realization that perhaps there WAS such a thing as being too nice. I observed another girl who some said was much like me. Her almost sticky-like sweetness was addicting to many, but repulsive to others.

I stepped back to look at myself and see if I really was so similar to this girl. The similarity was sickening. I realized I was often manipulated into doing way more than my share of work, or shouldering a portion of blame when someone was in a hot spot. These people smothered me with thanks of course, which is why I had never cared before. I was also regarded as ignorant in some cases because even when someone was obvisously being annoying... clingy.... hurtful.... unresponsible... "insert your favorite negative adjective here" .... it was hard for me to acknowlege they were in the wrong because I could only see their positive side.

Now, is it possible to have dug in my heels too much? Its amazing what summer can do for you. In three short months my sticky sweetness toned down a lot. I still help my friends with their problems as much as I can, and although sarcasm has become my first language (is this good or bad?) as far as I can tell, I do a good job of being positive. Still helpful, still nice I hope.... but not as much as before. Ive been given a new reputation. Always happy, always the jokester.

Though crazy as it sounds.... I miss my former self. I feel like I left a piece of me behind when I banished "too nice" from my personality. I still feel the pangs of sorrow when I see my peers in pain, whether friends or not. But my ability to fearlessly reach out and touch them with a ray of light in their dark moment..... seems to be gone. Its like I no longer know what to say to help, like I try and fail, or I simply no longer try. I wish to summon it back.... helping them was one of those rare joys you don't find often. And I, for all I know, stabbed it and locked it in a box during my quest to banish "too nice."

I think I still retain a lot of my old self thankfully. But I hopefully ridded myself of those undesirable traits like letting myself be walked on and manipulated. Though I sadly admit that as I scraped these things out of my life I perhaps scraped too deep, and I did lose some of the good things. There has to be a happy medium that I crossed over when I found my new self. There has to. Isn't there some way for me to be nice, funny, positive, insightful, and fair (meaning I can see the good and bad in people without passing judgement) all at once? Or is that too much to ask? At one time or another I posessed each of them. But I am currently unable to juggle all of them at once. My new goal is to backstep just a little toward that old Mar, and find that happy medium. And when I find it, to build each of those qualities strong.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

My Brother Ky

Oh the irony..... I was in the middle of reading a blog post by Squid about dumb blonde jokes, when who other than my blonde-topped brother Ky yells from behind me "Quick Mar! I need your help!"

So I run over to him and he asks, in all seriousness, "Will you help me stick these balloons on me?" I stop, evaluating if this is a joke. Nope, not a joke. He really wants me to help stick balloons on him. At this point I start laughing so hard I have to sit down. He starts to crack a smile as he realizes what he has just done, and says "What?? I was really bored and got this great idea! You know, i'll just see how many balloons I can get to stick to me!....." Then we both just laugh for a long time..... and he continues to stick balloons on himself.

Welcome to the wonderful world of Ky. He is my 13 year old brother, and also my best friend. He and I do anything and everything, we make movies on our webcam, which is really just us dancing to whatever music is on at the time. We doorbell ditch our best friends, with me as the driver and he the one who pretends he's in mission impossible to get to the door. We have wrestling matches that always result in cheating (also known as tickling). We hide a lonely pair of socks in each other's bedrooms because no one will claim them, and when they are found by one person they are re-hidden in the other's room. We look at each other's old first grade class books the teachers have you make, and ridicule all the funny mistakes or weird drawings we can find. We make up words, for instance, I KNOW you all wish you knew what a sward was. When we go to the mall we take pictures of each other in the most ridiculous accessories we can find. We read each other's journals, and don't care. We play video games. We talk for hours at night, giving each other relationship advice. We laugh. We cry. We annoy each other. And its great.

I wish everyone had a relationship that me and Ky do. But I know we are a unique case. More often than not siblings either fight or ignore each other 90% of the time.

Me and Ky didn't always get along though, a few years ago he drove me insane with his crazy antics and bursts of personality that can only be described as randomness. He had no fear, no limitations, and no care for who saw it or if it was a time appropriate to goof off. And I drove him crazy because I was Mar-ne'r-do-wrong. I was all for following the rules. No risks, I loved being secure and sure I knew what was going to happen in every situation.

I'm not totally sure what changed. I think first of all, we both grew up a bit. He is still every bit as crazy and random, but it's contained now. I learned that having no risk of getting in trouble isn't necessarily, ahem- fun, and that just because doing something doesn't make any sense (such as hiding socks) it doesn't mean you shouldn't do it (assuming its not harmful). And then once we had undergone these small changes, we realized that we actually weren't too terrible companions for each other... and then that we loved hanging out together... and before we knew it, we were laughing and having fun all the time. By this point in time we had already rubbed off on each other so much we were re-rubbing off on each other. My newfound craziness (which everyone seems to know me so well for now...) only brought out his more. And when I needed to talk something out, suddenly he was there for me, and he could carry on a serious conversation. We were friends :D

And maybe this is the reason we get along so well: he taught me to be crazy, and I taught him to be structured. In a way he brought me out of my thick shell, and I constructed a shell for him even if its ever-so-thin. Like ying and yang, me and Ky keep each other from spiralling too far one way or another.

So now that i'm done writing this, I think ill go get some balloons and join Ky in some balloon sticking!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I'm Crazy.

Out of boredom today I decided to take one of those pop- up personality tests. Apparently I have mild forms of several personality disorders. Who knew? Since internet quizzes are so very accurate, I am (NOT!) very concercerned that I may be heading off to the asylum pretty soon. Here are my percentages:

My Percentage Average of other people
who rate their craziness
on internet quizzes
Paranoid 30% 49%
Schizoid 34% 53%
Schizotypal 50% 53%
Antisocial 50% 47%
Borderline 14% 47%
Histrionic 46% 43%
Narcissistic 74% 41%
Avoidant 18% 39%
Dependent 50% 37%
Obsessive- 46% 40%
Compulsive


Besides being somewhat crazy in all the areas, it looks like I'm Narcisstic! I had to look up this word. It means "disorder of extreme self love."


BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! Look out world! Here comes Marilee! Make way, because I am deffinitely more important than you! I'm pretty much the greatest person alive!

Um, yeah. Hopefully i'm not really Narcisstic, because that would mean i'm a bratty snob. That's basically how they described Narcissim in the deffinition. Haha anyways I really love goofy tests like this because they give me a laugh :D (and also teach me that next time when I take a test, don't answer that, yes, I actually do like who I am. Perhaps I should try and act a little emo next time or something...)

If you want to take the same test go to http://similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html and tell me how crazy YOU are!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Dont drink the waterfall!

Many of you who know me know of my frequent "Marilee moments." Well, for your viewing pleasure today, I give you The Stupidest Marilee Moment Yet! You know why its my stupidest Marilee moment yet? Because I might actually have done myself some harm this time!

Today I went hiking up Adam's Canyon with four friends- S, A, J, and B. Granted, we went prepared! Each of us had a full water bottle and snacks with us! But as we hiked on, those full waterbottles didn't last very long, especially since it was at least 110 out there today! (maybe a bit exaggerated...) Actually, those full waterbottles only lasted us about halfway to the second waterfall.

After panting our way to the waterfall, we had lunch and goofed off in the water. Then as we prepared to hike back down, we started to remember the hour and a half hike in the heat we'd experienced on our way up..... and I particularly remembered how my own waterbottle had been full of hot water because I didn't have time to refrigerate it before we left, and then it slowly cooked in the sun as we hiked. I remembered that the last hot swallow of water had been 0% refreshing and dreaded the long hike down because I was already thirsty!

To be fair, the thought had popped in my head more than once in those five minutes before we started to hike down, but I didn't voice it because I thought it was a dumb idea. But then B says:

B: Lets just fill up our bottles here! The water is ice cold!
Me, S, and A: are you serious? that water probably has parasites or something!

no. He was serious.

J: I'm sure its fine! Look, no people can get up above the waterfall so there is nothing in the water from humans!
B: yeah besides Ive drunk river water before
A: ok yeah, but they always tell us its not safe, that people who get Giardia can end up in the hospital...
Me: And what about the animals? humans arrent the only ones who leave stuff in the water!
B: We drink the animal crap in the reservoirs anyway.
Me: I guess thats true... and I guess we might get dehydrated or something otherwise (we were all really, seriously thirsty)

While the girls debated a few minutes, B filled up a bottle and took a nice long swig of that river water. J was filling up the camel pack as well.

A: I guess he doesn't look sick yet... (ok we were all really thirsty and exhausted! So for some reason none of us thought of the fact that water he drank 30 seconds ago wouldn't make him barf immediately!)
Me: Yeah maybe it wouldn't hurt....
B: It tastes like mountain spring water!! and mmm mmm it is so cold and refreshing!

This is where the common sense I had vanished and thus turned this story into a Marilee moment. I filled up my bottle.

J: (to me) Stop staring at it! Its perfectly fine!
Me: what if it has floaties in it or something! I dont want floaties in my water! Then again I dont see any....
B: There arrent any floaties! Its mountain spring water! Just drink it!
Me: What do you think A?
A: I guess its probably fine, if you drink it I will.

So I take a long drink, and im not going to lie it was soooo good, especially after the long hike of having only hot water. It didn't even taste funny or anything, just ice cold like out of a faucet. A took a drink of it too. We offered some to S because it had been really good, and she hadn't been feeling well and I think she could have used water the most. But she was the smart one and declined, insisting that she didnt want to risk it.

Then we joked for a little while about how if all of us but S got sick then we would know never to drink from the river again. I think we were all a little bit nervous about what we had done, and needed to reassure ourselves through joking that we werent going to land ourselves in the hospital with Giarrdia.

The hike down proved to be about a half hour rather than an hour and a half (probably because it was downhill, duh why didnt we think of these things before?) and so when we got to the bottom I was wondering if drinking half a bottle of the water had been worth it, or if I could have waited a little longer... but too late for that now.

I got home and relayed our hike to my mom, briefly mentioning filling up our bottles at the waterfall, at which point she freaks out about how i'm going to get Giarrdia and go to the hospital and stuff like that! And I told her all of our reasons for thinking its safe, plus the fact that we could have become dehydrated (ok, why did we think that was such a big deal? people become dehydrated all the time and dont die!) and she said that there was no way of knowing it was safe, and that she just HOPED we hadnt gotten a horrible bacteria!

Well after that all my self reassurances that I would be fine vanished and now every little stomach gurgle I have convinces me that I have Giarrdia! I have been reading A LOT of stuff online about it and it says I will know within 24 hours... and that there is no sure way of knowing before then.... but that eating helps because it may absorb it. So pretty much ive stuffed my face since reading that. But this goes beyond a Marilee Moment! This isnt me being forgetful or scatterbrained! This is me maybe getting a bad disease because im dumb and didn't use basic common sense when people were peer pressuring me into drinking river water! AHHHH!

Anyways im sure you all cared about that VERY much. But now you know the dangers, and wont be dumb like me and drink it!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Another blog... at last!

Ok so it's been a LONG time since i've written in here. I'm writing not only to prove to certain people that I really havn't abandoned my blog, but also because I have something I just need to put out there because its been bugging me lately.

Ever noticed how school is based off the principal concept of putting a grade to a persons name? I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Why are we rated on our intelligence level? Thats all the grade is, a rating. Sure it may be a "score" given on the correctness of an assignment you were given, but how can it grade us for real?

I've become friends with one girl in particular to whom this concept has hurt. She is the sweetest, nicest girl who tries the very hardest in everything she does to get the top grade, to get an A or even a B. Still, her grades don't show her effort. Let me tell you, her bad grades arren't from lack of effort, and i'm NOT calling her stupid. It's just that the problems are more than her mind can handle, the concepts and formulas don't register to her as quickly as everyone else.

Now, picture yourself, this smart person in honors classes, most likely in line for scholarships and in special clubs because of your inteligence (such as Honors society or Science Olympiad, hey im not excluding myself here) Why are you getting the lucky break of free college and bennefits? My friend doesn't have a chance at a scholarship, but she works harder than i've ever had to in school.

Let me briefly mention gym class. Our GPA depends on the average of our grades, and many GPA's are ruined because of the lack of athletic ability in one class. May I ask why we are graded for athletic ability? Sometimes we give all we can and it isn't enough for that A.

Is this fair?!? Should our successfulness in life be rated on our intelligence? There are so many more ways to succeed, not only in college but in life in general, without being smart. Tell me your opinion.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

An important lesson I recently learned

Wow so it’s been a while… but as promised I’m not abandoning my blog! Maybe I’ll write about school later, but for now I want to write something I learned over the summer.

For those of you that don’t know, my younger brother “Rick” has Hemophilia, a rare bleeding disorder where he gets these enormous bruises that take a long time to heal. Well, I was invited to a camp for teens who either have Hemophilia, Von Willabrands (more common in girls, Hemophilia is rare in girls) or have a sibling with one of these disorders (aka, me). The trip itself was lots of fun, mostly outdoor activities with a few learning sessions mixed in so that it was also educational.

One such learning session stood out to me, because a woman with hemophilia (which is incredibly rare might I add! There are only about fifteen women in the US with it) came and talked to us about her life living with her illness.

She grew up in the 60’s, when medicine for Hemophilia was available, but they didn’t screen blood. She learned too late that she, her brother, her dad, and ALL of her friends from her hemophilia camps she went to as a child (she was then a teen) were infected with

1. AIDS
2. Hepatitis A
3. Hepatitis C
4. A variety of other blood transferable illnesses that she didn’t go into, just mentioned.

One by one, her hemophilia associates passed away, starting with her brother and then her dad and friends. Today, she is the only one still alive from her original friends. She went on to say that she takes 17 pills. Can you believe that? 17 pills!! And she went on to say that’s only in the morning! She takes another 17 at night! And they are the big kind, not the little ones like allergy pills. She has aching joints all the time, cant have kids, has a lot of doctors appointments, some days its hard for her to get out of bed… the list goes on and on.

Then she went on “but despite all my problems, I have learned to live my life with absolutely complaints of the quality of it. I have three children, even if they may be adopted, and I have learned to accept that pain is part of my life. One day I just told myself I need to focus on what I CAN do instead of what I CANT do.”

Wow that hit me HARD. Ok so maybe there are times when I say to myself “Gosh I really messed up this time, I can’t fix this problem or this problem is so hard” and then mope because I have discovered a weakness in me. Well look at this woman, she has a thousand problems and she still has a perfect outlook on her life. She has all these huge problems, but that doesn’t stop her. Why should a little bump in my own life get me down?

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Keep in touch

This is my final post of this school year. Although this is my last post to count for the Honors English class, I don't think I will stop writing in my blog. I hope you do the same. Many of you don't know it, but I read everybodys blogs. I may not comment on them all, but I read them. So keep it up! Visit the discussion board regularly too. It's been a fun year, see you all later!

Book of memories

It’s now the end of the year, and on a day where I had some spare time I looked back at my old blog posts to see what I had written. Well, it was an interesting experience. In some of my posts I saw a silly girl who had too much sugar in her system. In some I saw a tired teenager who was writing a last minute blog at 11:00 Sunday night. In some I saw myself exhausted of topics and writing on something I didn’t care about one bit. Yet, in some of them, I saw wisdom I didn’t know I had. I have to say I was impressed, I had completely forgotten some of the stuff I wrote back then and then it pops up again months later, and I learned from it. I also learned what I look like when I’m tired, bored, and hyper. That was also a learning experience (but I won’t elaborate).

My curiosity sparked by this odd encounter with my past self, I started reading back through entries in my English journal and my personal journal. Wow! Again I surprised myself with bits of knowledge I happened to put down during a writing assignment or while writing in my journal at night. I never realized that I had so much to say, and that some of it was so deep. Truthfully, it was sort of eerie to be reading my old entries and being impressed with what they said, I mean, who admires their own logic?!? I guess I do now.

One noticeably common attribute of all the “records” was my voice. At the beginning of the school year it was fairly, well, dull. There was no spirit in it; it was only me writing down what I thought. No examples of my point, no exclamations of opinion, no nothing. It was just my outer shell showing in my work. As the year progressed, however, they became increasingly interesting (this is only my opinion). In the beginning it was a tidbit of what I REALLY felt about my chosen topic, then it progressed to me bravely making a statement that (heaven forbid) someone may disagree with. Finally, in the more recent ones, they finally were WORTH READING! They were actually filled with a voice which no longer belonged to a repetitive robot!

What I mean by this is that since the beginning of the year my writing voice seems to have taken on a rather, um… sarcastic but interesting tone. I don’t know if this is good or bad but I know it’s better than the timid thing it was in the beginning. I guess that writing every week really does improve your writing.

I can honestly say that I am glad I kept all those journals and wrote in my blog all this time, reading back brought back so many memories I had forgotten, and it was fun to read my old opinions (silly or insightful). This is why I advise you to pull out your journal from the depths of your closet and start to write in it again (I did this last night for the first time in months) and never, ever throw away a journal or forget about your blogs. I’m positive you will value them someday.

End

Two months ago, sometime in March I think, I wrote about how much I was going to miss Fairfield and how sad I was to go to high school. I don’t know what happened in the past two months, but I don’t feel that way anymore.

Ok, I’ll admit I am still sort of sad about the fact that a bunch of my friends are going to Davis, and I am going to miss some of my old teachers (I have had some really good ones this year) but now I’m really excited for high school, instead of dreading it. For one thing, every tenth grader I have ever spoken to says that high school is way more fun than junior high. When I hear this I go “how? Ninth grade has been so much fun! How can starting all over again be even better?” but it’s true, everyone I talk to says that ninth grade was awesome for them also, but tenth grade is ten times more fun. I guess I’ll just take their word for it.

I also like the idea that there are eight classes, four a day every other day. I don’t know why this seems so cool to me but it does, I guess I just like it because it will give variety day to day. I just hope I don’t get all my boring classes one day and all the fun ones the other, that would suck!

I am also pretty excited to see some of my old friends again. In seventh grade I was surprised to see that some of the friends I expected to see at Fairfield weren’t at Fairfield. I do know though, that they are going to Layton High. So I know that I will be able to see them again next year.

One last thing, I don’t know if the rest of you feel this way, but somehow I’m tired of Junior High. I’m tired of being around the seventh graders; they are so small and annoying! Though I love everyone at this school, it’s the same faces day after day. I want to meet someone new every now and then. I have walked the same halls every day for three years, and I’m tired of it (strangely enough, walking the same halls every day for three years was my reason two months ago that I didn’t want to leave). Anyways, I am ready to go, and I’m excited now! High school sounds so fun that I can’t wait for it now. I will miss Fairfield, I know I will be missing it a lot that first week of school at Layton. But now my excitement outdoes my sadness of leaving. Goodbye Fairfield!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

I know I know... another boring assignment

Once again, sorry for putting you through the agony of reading a less than exciting school assignment as one of my posts. Lets face it, nobody ever reads these things. Anyways, here is my literary comparison on Walk two moons and To kill a Mockingbird.


The narrators in the books Walk Two Moons and To Kill a Mockingbird have similar voices and experiences, yet they differ at the same time. In both books there is a clear voice from each character and both have well defined personalities, which makes these books enjoyable to read and also similar in many ways.
Salamanca and Scout both like things the way they already are. Salamanca is severely distressed when she and her father move from their home in Kentucky.

“Just over a year ago, my father plucked me up like a weed and took me and all our belongings (no, that is not true- he did not bring the chestnut tree, the willow, the maple, the hayloft, or the swimming hole, which all belonged to me) and we drove three hundred miles straight north and stopped in front of a house in Euclid, Ohio.” –Salamanca

Salamanca is not at all happy at the move, she loved her old home. She wishes she could go away from the “rows of birdhouses” which make up her new neighborhood and return to her country home in Kentucky. Scout is the same way,

“…our summertime boundaries (within calling distance of Calpurnia) were Mrs. Henry Lafayette Dubose’s house two doors to the north of us, and the Radley Place three doors to the south. We were never tempted to break them…”-Scout

Scout is happy with the way things are and isn’t tempted to cause trouble. She has always done things one way and feels agitated when she is forced to change those ways, such as when Jem starts thinking he is too old for her and when Aunt Alexandra starts wanting her to wear dresses. You can guess without these examples that both girls prefer things to stay the same and don’t like change. I think both girls are smart in this way, I have never been one to stir up trouble and when I read about someone who does it makes me cringe. Both of these characters, however, handle themselves well and the stories flow easily because of their ability to go with the flow of life.


One difference between Salamanca and Scout, however, is their level of craving for information. Scout sucks up every bit of information about anybody and anything. She craves learning and gossip, every bit of information is useful and interesting to her.

“ ‘Lets go in.’ said Dill.
‘Naw, we better wait till they get in, Atticus might not like it if he sees us… we sped ahead of Reverend Sykes to the courtroom floor…we went up a covered staircase to the black balcony.”- Scout

Scout is so anxious to learn about the trial she pushes past people and hides from Atticus, otherwise she might be sent away. On the other hand, Salamanca wants nothing to do with her past. She wants to forget everything and pretend nothing has changed, although she knows her mother is dead.

“I prayed that we would get there by my mothers’ birthday- seven days- and that we would bring her home.”-Salamanca

Scout lives her life by the facts, Salamanca lives hers by fairytales. Scout ponders everything and wants to learn more and more about life and the people around her. Salamanca is content to push away any substantial information about her mother and accept what she has convinced herself is truth. Why does Salamanca live like this? I think she is afraid of the truth because her life is far from perfect, so she makes up a story that seems to make it all better, while it really makes it worse. I think Scout is the smarter one: she sucks up every bit of information and then pieces it together as she lives her life, she uses her brain to solve her problems and I think eventually, comes to terms with life more effectively than Salamanca does.


Another similarity between Salamanca and Scout is that they both always see the good in other people. Until Salamanca met Phoebe, she thought that although Mrs. Cadaver was a strange woman, she wasn’t all bad. She also felt sympathy for Mrs. Winterbottom when she left for a few days because she could see the good intentions in her act (Phoebe freaks out and thinks the lunatic kidnapped her).

“ ‘Oh Sal, come see Margaret.’ The lady with the wild red hair was Margaret…”

Scout is devoid of playmates her own age until Dill comes in the summer, and even then she is sometimes left by him. She quickly learns how to get along with the elderly people in her town because of this. She also is one of the few to realize that Tom Robinson meant no harm to anyone, he was framed for no reason at all. The entire theme of To Kill a Mockingbird is presented through Scout, and her realizing that not only should you look for the good in everyone, but don’t hurt anyone for no reason when you know that what you are doing is wrong.

"Mockingbirds don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don't eat up people's gardens, don't nest in corncribs, they don't do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That's why it's a sin to kill a mocking bird."- Miss Maudie


In both books, a clear theme is shown. And the theme is shown through the characters, Salamanca and Scout. Don’t judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins, in other words, don’t hurt someone until you do what they have had to. Between running from the lunatic, or shooting Tom Robinson, people may have been smart to consider that thought.
Sorry! I havn't posted a blog for a few weeks, life has been crazy. The next few posts are make up for the last two, and the very last one is my final Honors English post.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Memoir of a Murdered Hamster

I wrote this as an assignment for creative writing. It's a true story. Bear in mind that I was only five, and had no idea what I was doing when this occured!

It is a big responsibility to have a pet. You have to clean its cage every single week, you have to feed it, and keep it happy. Most of all you have to love it. The more you love your pet, the happier it will be, and the happier it is, the more it will love you. That’s why I love my hamster very much. I want it to love me too, so I play with it all the time and make sure that it is never bored or sad.

I am only five years old, but I am very responsible. I know how to keep my hamster, Beauty, very happy and make her love me. I know how to give her tiny pellets of hamster food and sunflower seeds when she is hungry. When her cage gets dirty, I clean out every piece of shredded tissue paper and replace it with fresh, new tissue paper. Because I take such good care of her, Beauty and I are best friends.

Sometimes me and Beauty play games, her favorite one is swing, where I swing her back and forth in my arms and she gets all jiggled and jittery. Another one she likes is racing. I help her get buckled in my Barbie car and push her in it around my bedroom, sometimes she jumps our, but I know that she actually likes it. Sometimes I help her balance on balls or slide down the little orange slide outside. I think one day she will be able to do these tricks on her own and will be famous for being the world’s smartest hamster, but right now I still have to help her.

One time something strange happened when Beauty was playing airplane with me. I was flying her around high above my head and we where having lots of fun together, when suddenly she went limp in my hand. When I put her back in her cage she didn’t get up and hide in her cardboard tube like she usually does, instead she just laid there. I started to cry big raindrop tears, spilling down my pink Lion King t-shirt. Beauty was dead! We had been playing a game and she was dead! Mom came and helped me stop crying, and then told me to look in the cage. Beauty was running in her hamster wheel just like she always did! She was ok! Mom explained to me that sometimes when hamsters feel like they are in danger, they pretend to be dead so that the danger will leave them alone. I guess airplane didn’t make Beauty feel safe, so I decided that we shouldn’t play it anymore.

Today I thought of a brand new game for me and Beauty to play. I would put her in my plastic drum with all of the other instruments in it, and then shake it so that she could slide and bounce on them. I excitedly pry her out of her cardboard tube and put her in the drum. What fun she was going to have! I wish that I could be the one who got to play in the drum! Too bad I was so big that I couldn’t fit. I gleefully started to shake the drum, up and down, left and right, around in a circle. I could picture her sliding on the metal cymbals, then bounce of the harmonica and have a crazy ride in there! “That’s long enough!” I say to Beauty as I pull of the lid of the drum. She is lying very still again, just like when she played dead a few days ago. I guess she didn’t feel safe in this game either. “Ok we won’t play this one again, ok Beauty?” I reassuringly tell her as I lay her in the shredded tissue in the bottom of her cage. “See you in a few minutes, after dinner!”

After dinner, I skip back to my bedroom to play with Beauty again. This time we will drive in her car, since the drum game wasn’t fun for her. Wait a minute, she still hasn’t woken up! I wonder why? That’s really strange. I run to get mom. “Mom! Beauty is playing dead again and won’t wake up!”

Mom gets a weird look in her eye. “Let me come see.”

When we get to my bedroom mom gets a sad look on her face. “How long has Beauty been asleep?”

“Well, I shook the drum with her in it and she has been playing dead ever since.” I explain.

Mom sadly says that Beauty wasn’t playing this time, she really is dead. I shook the drum too hard. I start to sob and sink to the floor as I realize what I have done. “I killed her! I killed her!” I wail as mom tries to comfort me. I stay there for a long time, and then although tears are still dripping from my swollen eyes I stand up and peer in the cage.

Beauty doesn’t look like she is sleeping, not anymore. She looks dead. Cold and dead. I am a very responsible five year old who knows how to feed, and clean, and love, and kill her hamster.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

The meaning of a birthday

Yesterday was my birthday, which is fun in all respects since I was able to lounge all day and basically do nothing but enjoy myself. Of course what exactly is a birthday besides an exact measurement of your age? Only on your birthday can you say “I am fifteen”, if you want to get technical then on any other day you would have to say “I am fifteen and one day old.” So that is all a birthday is, correct?

Friday night I watched movies until midnight and happened to be awake at 11:59 PM, meaning I was witnessing my last moment as a fourteen year old. As I watched the clock turn to 12:00 and I officially turned fifteen, I can’t help but say it was uneventful. I didn’t grow two inches, I didn’t suddenly gain a huge amount of knowledge, I didn’t feel anything.

What I find interesting about this is that although it really made no difference which minute it was, people treat you differently when you are fourteen than when you are fifteen. When you are fourteen you are “only two years past childhood.” When you are fifteen you’re at the age where “You can get your permit now! Only a year until you date!” You are a full fledged teenager. This is how I observed people treating me these past few months, it’s not like they purposely show it or anything, but something about having that higher digit on your age seems to make people act differently around you, and I don’t know why. It’s not like I suddenly had some dramatic change in that minute between 11:59 and 12:00.

A few months ago I was with my cousin whose birthday was in August. Here’s the dialog: “So you are fifteen right Anthony?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow you are getting so grown up!” (face beams) “What about you Starchild? You’re fifteen also?”
“Almost, my birthday is in a few months.”
“Oh that’s nice.” (Turns and walks away)

It’s not like they TRY to do this, but it was like that with everyone we talked to at the event. I find it unfair that they judge us according to our numerical age without spending five minutes to find evidence for their conclusion. I know tons of fourteen year olds (most of them my good friends) who act fifteen or older. I also know more than enough fifteen year olds who couldn’t pass for a hyperactive twelve year old.

I don’t think that your actual “age” has anything to do with how long you have physically been alive. Your age depends on how you act and what you do with your life measured against how much time you have had to do something worthwhile in it. Had you never once moved from your couch and skipped school whenever you could, then hey you are no better than a lazy five year old. I’m not trying to offend anyone but when I see someone who calls themselves eighteen, an “adult”, but they have never done a productive thing in their life, it makes me just a little irritated.

I just hope that I am living up to my new title as a fifteen year old. I don’t want to be “fifteen” years old, but only “eight meaningful moments” years old.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

A couple of weeks ago I was in Disneyland for spring break. One thing I noticed was that is was slowly becoming “modernized”, meaning the happiest place on earth was slowly becoming just like every other amusement park.

If you have ever been to Disneyland, you know that Space Mountain is one of the best rides there. I went a couple of years ago and it was my favorite ride, it was pitch black inside and you had no idea which direction you were going to be jerked next. There were amazing space decorations hanging next to the track and a million tiny light bulbs made it appear that you were surrounded by stars. In general- it was really cool. Naturally I was psyched to go on it this time around, but I was more than a bit disappointed. All of the cool decorations, gone. Space Mountain had turned into Rock ‘n roll mountain. A head banging song had replaced the techno-style music, and the decorations had been replaced with strobe lights, giant orange and purple fluorescent lights, and silhouettes of people doing the disco (???). The track was now lit up by the fantastic array of color, so the previously jerky unpredictable roller coaster was in plain view and sadly, not as exciting. I’m not saying that it wasn’t fun, but I preferred the old way better.

Another thing I saw at Disneyland was that Sleeping Beauty’s Castle (the giant in front of the park) was closed. I found out that the castle you used to be able to walk through is being remodeled into a small hotel. Imagine! Getting to stay the night right in Disneyland! Pretty cool right? Now imagine all those people who will never get to walk through that amazing castle ever again. It sounds nothing like anything Walt Disney himself would have approved of.

That was only in Disneyland, the last place you would ever expect to change. Look around, beautiful farmland and open fields are quickly being made into commercial subdivisions. Perfectly good computers are being thrown away because they aren’t good enough for today’s software. Is it really necessary to make so many changes? The new stuff is amazing, but what was wrong with the old?

It’s not bad to upgrade things every now and then; in fact it is a blessing. However, I think that sometimes it’s too much. We get so caught up in the latest and greatest that we can’t appreciate what is sitting next to us. The other day my family and I went on a walk to an abandoned park down our street. The park was beautiful, enormous trees that had to be at least fifty feet tall (don’t tell me you prefer six foot trees planted in front of new houses), monuments to the first settlers of Utah, picnic tables and barbeques for family gatherings. I had forgotten all this was even there because a few years ago the park was closed. The government decided a new on-ramp to the highway is going to be built in the next year or two. The park will be bulldozed all for the sake of saving thirty seconds of your drive. Tell me, is it worth it?

Is there something wrong with leaving things the way they are?

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Why can reading help us?

Why should we read? The obvious answers come to mind: It makes you smarter, improves your vocabulary, and is helpful in surviving in society. But what underlying benefits does reading provoke?

To me, reading is an escape from an otherwise uneventful life. Compared to the characters in books, my life is incredibly dull. As I read I unconsciously place myself and my close friends in the places of characters in the story. Then as I read the story, I feel like it is actually happening to me even though I know it isn’t. Depending on the personality and physical qualities of the character, my mind takes one of my friends and puts them in place of the character, only with a different name. A specific example of this is while I was reading Eragon, my friend *Hilary suddenly became Arya without me realizing it until later. Hilary has long dark hair and a similar personality to Arya, so I unconsciously chose her for the part. This same “choosing friends in place of characters” even exists with people who are only acquaintances of mine. They are chosen as less important characters, as they are less important in my life. I don’t know if everyone does this, but I’m guessing we all do.

I think that one huge advantage of reading is this sort of unconscious thinking; which processes thoughts and transforms them into a subconscious story focusing into MY life. This is sort of like learning without trying to; without knowing it.

Everybody realizes “learning teaches you stuff.” What sort of stuff? The stuff in textbooks? I think not. I have never met a person who enjoyed reading a textbook for even five minutes. We read books because we enjoy them, not because we know they will make us smarter. So why can we get lost in a book for hours and still claim to be gaining knowledge? I don’t believe The Giver teaches us anything school related. I don’t believe A Wrinkle in Time, The Pigman, Fahrenheit 451, Great Expectations, or any other books we may have read in the past year teach us anything about science and history. No, they teach us things we don’t learn in school. The Giver and Fahrenheit 451 are warnings against a dim future. Great Expectations is telling us to take life as it comes; don’t hold on to grudges from the past or scramble towards the future. The Pigman and A Wrinkle in Time teach us to take caution in who you trust, and how much you care to give of yourself before knowing a person. This is taking five books and mentioning ONE thing they teach us. There are dozens more in each, and I can not have spotted every one of them. There are millions of books, billions. It’s not a wonder that we learn so much from reading! Every book tells us, if we care to look for it, something we can use in the real world one day. Perhaps if we read enough, we won’t be grasping for ideas when a really tough situation appears. We will already know how to handle it.

I’ve only mentioned two reasons why we should read, but there are more. Enjoy yourself and gain something useful at the same time. Why NOT read?

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Why do we want something that will only corrupt us...

I’ve been thinking lately (scary music starts now) (JK) If you look around you see a lot of celebrities GONE BAD. You hear a new story everyday about some movie star who has some emotional problem they didn’t have before, one getting their 4th wife, one shaving their head (???) and I wonder… how can perfectly normal people end up like this?
There was a time when me and my friends would jump around the room in tune to Brittney Spears latest songs, they were harmless back then. I remember reading about her in one of those CD pamphlets that comes with the disk, it showed some pictures of her walking by the great salt lake, of all places! She was wearing a sweatshirt and shorts, nothing like her recent attire. She my role model when I was eight years old, but that changed quickly. Within a few years she transformed into the being she is today, a bald playboy model who doesn’t know what to do with her life.
Not all cases are as extreme as Brittney’s, but it seems that every celebrity is slightly…different since becoming famous.
We are the same way. If we suddenly become popular, it most likely goes to our heads. Even worse, if we gradually become popular it slowly changes us, so that we and most of our friends barely notice it until we are suddenly at the top looking down, and don’t want to go back. I think most of us can think of several people who have changed since becoming “popular.” There are a few exceptions of course, but not many.
The strange thing is, ARE they popular? Everybody hates them unless they are one of the few who retained their former personality when they changed social status. The so called “popular” people are the ones we secretly trash because they bother us so much. Popularity is only a figment of their imagination! It only exists in their mind, yet, the majority of us still strive to achieve popularity! What is it that is so desirable about being bad mouthed? Apparently we WANT a bad reputation! I don’t understand it. Being popular isn't bad, but it is when you do what most do with popularity it is.
I had a friend in 7th grade who is a perfect example of this. “Tracy” was an average girl, a lot like me and we were good friends in Utah studies. That is, until she got a hold of eyeliner and a curling iron before most of the girls in 7th grade. Then she snagged a boyfriend and became popular. To this day I think she has a small group of friends and has had miserable dating experiences numerous times. She ignores me now; somehow I think it’s for the better.
I have to admit, I’m not sure how I would act if I was suddenly popular. Would I change like most? Or would I stay the same? I’d like to believe I would stay the same, but something tells me I wouldn’t. I hope I never have to be badmouthed because I was a person who changed for the worse.

(Rest assured, none of the people I referred to here are in our honors English class)

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

My literary analysis

Ok now I know that no one ever reads school assignments because they bore us to death, but I need time to think of better ideas. Bear with me on this one until I can think of something else to write about.

My literary analysis.......


This book is about a young boy, Pip, who is born into a simple English life in the country. He is destined to become a blacksmith, that is, until a mysterious benefactor fulfills his hopes and dreams by supplying him with all the money a wealthy Englishman could want. The theme that comes across in this book is: Be thankful for what you have, don’t constantly yearn for something bigger and better, but find happiness in what you have. As Pip progresses through the story, he finds that all he ever wanted he had at his original home. By becoming an English gentleman he spoiled his chance at a happy life.

Page 344: “I would not have gone back to Joe now, I would not have gone back to Biddy now, for any consideration: simply, I suppose, because my sense of my own worthless conduct to them was greater than every consideration. No wisdom on earth could have given me the comfort that I should have derived from their simplicity and fidelity; but I could never, never, never, undo what I had done.”

In the passage, Pip is realizing for the first time what he has done to his life. Until then, he thought that his new way of life was making him happy. Then his benefactor reveals himself and Pip realizes that it was all just a fantasy and that he is actually miserable. He wishes that he could take back what he had done, but knows that by now it is too late to do so.
This part of the story is a huge shock to everyone who reads it. In fact, it was a part of the book that I really enjoyed. The total shock that the criminal is his benefactor is clearly presented in Pip, and therefore in all the readers. He is feeling sad and regretful, realizing what road his fantasies have led him down. The only reason he wanted to be a gentleman was to impress Estella and before she came into his life he was destined to be a very happy man. He It is a terrible moment for him. He realizes that he always felt safe and content with Joe and Biddy but never realized it. This is a turning point for him in the story.
The passage clearly conveys how Pip feels; he knows that without the revealing of his benefactor, he would never have gone back to Joe and Biddy. He realizes what kind of a person he was being towards those who had always been so kind to him. It’s a sad moment for him, solemn and gloomy. If he could go back he would, but it is impossible at this point.
What the author is trying to tell us in the passage is that we should be grateful for what we have and not greedily climb upward for more. Pip lost happiness by trying to be someone he could never be happy being. He tried to get more and more, and ended up helplessly falling before his friends pulled him back on his feet. The theme of the novel is told through Pip’s story, and we can learn from it if we try to.
The author is giving us advice on how to be happy in life by telling us a story of a boy who dreams of a classy life; which is a symbol of an average person like us dreaming of great fame. Overall, the theme teaches us to be content with our lives and find the good things, not the coarse hands and dirty boots, in our own lives.