Banishing "too nice."

After reading a post by Pandagirl (http://mymemory62005.blogspot.com/) about our conciences, it got my memory reeling back to the events of last year. I'm a little afraid to say these things on here, out in public. After all, i'm exposing my prideful side. And my vulnerable side. Please remember as you read that we are all human, and wish to be the best we can be. That includes having many shortcomings, but also being able to recognize our good and bad.

I realize now that I was born with a hyper sensitive concience. From the time I was little, the knowlege of doing something even minorly wrong could be tear-jerking. Of course by my tenth grade year I had learned to control the tear factor very well, but the guilt I felt when I was in the wrong and the compassion I felt for people who had been wronged was still strong. Anything I could do to brighten someone's day or give them a lift, I would surely do. And without hesitation.

It lifted my own mood as well to see someone happy because of me. And I say this in all honesty, I really saw the good in every single person, so my compliments and kind words were not empty. At the same time however, though I hate to say this, I took pride in the fact that I was so nice to people. I knew everyone saw me as an ultra sweet girl who was always there when they needed help and always had a compliment for them to lift their mood. I basked in the shower of compliments I recieved in return for my actions, "You are so sweet, Mar!," " Wow you are so nice!", " You are probably the nicest person I know.", "You have no idea what you do to lift my mood every day!"

Then there was this one statement I kept getting along with the outpouring compliments, which I wasn't sure was really a good thing to have said. "You are TOO nice."

I took it as a compliment, but there was this nagging feeling that it wasn't completely intended as a good thing... I knew that being nice was simply who I was. I couldn't help it. Truly, I often did those nice things out of habit. But there was also a sudden realization that perhaps there WAS such a thing as being too nice. I observed another girl who some said was much like me. Her almost sticky-like sweetness was addicting to many, but repulsive to others.

I stepped back to look at myself and see if I really was so similar to this girl. The similarity was sickening. I realized I was often manipulated into doing way more than my share of work, or shouldering a portion of blame when someone was in a hot spot. These people smothered me with thanks of course, which is why I had never cared before. I was also regarded as ignorant in some cases because even when someone was obvisously being annoying... clingy.... hurtful.... unresponsible... "insert your favorite negative adjective here" .... it was hard for me to acknowlege they were in the wrong because I could only see their positive side.

Now, is it possible to have dug in my heels too much? Its amazing what summer can do for you. In three short months my sticky sweetness toned down a lot. I still help my friends with their problems as much as I can, and although sarcasm has become my first language (is this good or bad?) as far as I can tell, I do a good job of being positive. Still helpful, still nice I hope.... but not as much as before. Ive been given a new reputation. Always happy, always the jokester.

Though crazy as it sounds.... I miss my former self. I feel like I left a piece of me behind when I banished "too nice" from my personality. I still feel the pangs of sorrow when I see my peers in pain, whether friends or not. But my ability to fearlessly reach out and touch them with a ray of light in their dark moment..... seems to be gone. Its like I no longer know what to say to help, like I try and fail, or I simply no longer try. I wish to summon it back.... helping them was one of those rare joys you don't find often. And I, for all I know, stabbed it and locked it in a box during my quest to banish "too nice."

I think I still retain a lot of my old self thankfully. But I hopefully ridded myself of those undesirable traits like letting myself be walked on and manipulated. Though I sadly admit that as I scraped these things out of my life I perhaps scraped too deep, and I did lose some of the good things. There has to be a happy medium that I crossed over when I found my new self. There has to. Isn't there some way for me to be nice, funny, positive, insightful, and fair (meaning I can see the good and bad in people without passing judgement) all at once? Or is that too much to ask? At one time or another I posessed each of them. But I am currently unable to juggle all of them at once. My new goal is to backstep just a little toward that old Mar, and find that happy medium. And when I find it, to build each of those qualities strong.